Trousered Ape
An exercise in presumption.
Tuesday, February 28, 2006
The following is the result of a synaptic short circuit that occurred when looking through our movie collection for Destroy All Monsters, and finding Singin' in the Rain instead:

* * * * *
* * * * *

Scene 1:

Godzilla on Monster Island. He laments his solitude in a series of haiku.


Here, I, Godzilla,
Monarch of Monster Island,
Sit, forlorn, alone.

Other denizens
Of this blessed Paradise
Have mates; I have none.

Must it be my fate
To endure for centuries,
Hungering for love?

No, I cannot face
The everlasting anguish
Of an empty heart.

Consumed by despair,
I shall escape this torment
By self-destruction.

However, he is thwarted in his desire for suicide: being amphibious, he cannot drown; without food he merely goes dormant; and, being several hundred feet tall and preternaturally tough, he cannot find a cliff high enough to throw himself from.

To him enter Rodan and Mothra, who endeavor to cheer him up, and offer him advice.


What's this? Our old comrade, awash in melancholy?


Why so sad, Godzilla? Tell us!


Alas, my friends, I burn with thwarted desire. My heart and soul yearn for the fulfillment that only a mate can bring. But when..where..how shall I find her?


Is that all? (Sings)

As one who's tried to find a bride, and managed it with ease,
I tell you that to bring off such a feat will be a breeze!
No need to shirk this simple work, and if you care to ask,
I'll gladly fill you in on how to set about this task.

Go on a church outing;
Put ads in the papers;
Console one who's pouting,
Or having the vapors.

If you want someone blue-chip
Then put up a sign;
Or maybe a cruise ship
Is more in your line.

Don't live in denial,
Stop twiddling your thumbs: (Godzilla sheepishly puts hands behind back)
Give Cancun a trial
When next spring break comes.

I roundly swear, I do aver, for your best comprehension:
You first must find out where she is and then get her attention.


While it is true that when you woo, she must know you are there,
The next step is to show her that you really, truly care.
In timely season, give her a reason to want you at her side,
And if you do it well enough, she will become your bride.

A bunch of red roses
Won't fail to be pleasant;
Some sheer nylon hose is
An excellent present.

A cloak in the mud
Is a chivalrous move:
It shows you're no dud,
And I'm sure she'll approve.

Perfume by the flagon;
A fine Paris hat;
Go slay her a dragon - (Godzilla glares at him)
Oops, sorry about that.

I roundly swear, I do aver, that you will quickly see
How surely you will win her love, with gentle courtesy.


Take our advice and in a trice you'll be securely mated -
Our plan is guaranteed to work, as we have demonstrated.
We roundly swear, we do aver, that it will do the trick,
And you will find your Beatrice, as once did Benedick.


Friends, you have inspired me! A fire is in my blood, and hope springs afresh in my heart! I shall go forth at once and seek a mate!

He strides off, uttering his trademark roar. Rodan and Mothra gaze after him, then shake hands (as best they can, considering that one has extremely stiff wings and the other has tiny little caterpillar feet tucked underneath him).

* * * * *

Scene 2:

Godzilla in search of a mate. He wanders about in the wilderness, periodically roaring. After a time he hears a similar roar, but feminine (Lord help the special effects crew on this one). He rushes to the source and finds Godzelda, like him alone in the wilderness.


Oh fair one, uncompanioned as am I, hear my plea! Let us be a comfort and a solace to one another in this desert place!

Godzelda (Starting back, with a look of repugnance):

Eeeeeeeewwwww! Who and what are you?!

Godzilla (Undaunted):

Long was each day, and lonely was each night
For such as I, who lived in solitude.
While with a soul most fit for love endued,
I'd none to share it with - an awful plight.
Kind friends came speedily to do me good
And moved me, though with neither map nor chart,
To search for her who'll give her hand and heart
To him who'll love her as a lover should.
True, my appearance may unease impart,
My manner's crude, my mien unprepossessing,
Uncouth I am, all etiquette transgressing,
Yet my rough hide's not proof 'gainst Cupid's dart.
Do not reject, do not misjudge in haste,
Please understand, I'm an acquired taste.


Alas for you. Even if I wished to accept your love (which I do not), I am already spoken for. When I was yet fresh from the egg, my guardian, Ishiro Honda, betrothed me to Ghidorah, the Three-Headed Monster. Though horrible he is (yet not as horrible as yourself), I shall be his.

Godzilla (With intense scorn):

Ghidorah? That tricephalic popinjay! An oaf who out-Bottoms Bottom by having three ass's heads instead of one! A ninny whose countenances simultaneously exhibit incompetence, ineptitude, and insensibility! A paragon of triplicitous folly! A paradox who proves that three heads are worse than one when each is emptier than the next! And HE is preferred to ME? Bah!

Godzilla strides off in dudgeon, leaving Godzelda alone. To her enters Ghidorah, the Three-Headed Monster.

3 heads (in unison):

My sugar cube! My little pot of potpourri!

1st Head:

Your eyes are like little glowworms in the grass!

2nd Head:

Your kisses are so sweet, they cause my teeth to decay!

3rd Head:

Your skin (pauses in thought) would make beautiful luggage!


1st Head:

My love for you is like a floweret
That grows upon your sill within a pot.
Manure it with a kiss
And it will bloom in bliss
Like mold on the leftovers you forgot.

2nd Head:

My love for you is like a field of turnips:
Abundant, fertile, full of nourishment.
And yet the crop may die
Unless, my dear, you try,
To give a trifle of encouragement?

3rd Head:

My love for you is like a clump of rhubarb
With roots so indestructible and deep.
You think you've dug it out,
But soon it will re-sprout.
My love you have, my love you'll have to keep.


Your love for me is more like poison ivy,
Unwanted, irritating, and obnoxious.
Your wooing is undone,
I'd rather be a nun,
Be off, before I knock your heads unconscious!

Ghidorah exits in confusion; in the processes, he accidentally steps on Ishiro Honda, who is filming the proceedings, and crushes him to a pulp. Godzelda also exits, rejoicing in her freedom.

* * * * *

Scene 3:

As is his habit, Godzilla has gone to relieve his irritation by destroying a major Japanese city. Godzelda, coming upon the scene, is enraptured by this display of testosterone, and realizes that Godzilla is, after all, the monster for her.


You're smashing and crashing through Tokyo.
Like an earthquake you're tearing the city apart.
Although a most unlikely Romeo,
Now you have captured my heart.

I've been so capricious and wayward and strange,
My ways by nobody to be understood.
Today love has seized me, I'll nevermore change,
I'm bound to you, darling, for good.

Hear me, oh dear one, may my love song, please,
Make its way through the sirens and past the alarms.
Abandon the mangled and dead Japanese,
And come, oh my love, to my arms.

Godzilla, hearing her plea, leaves behind his attempt at urban renewal and comes to her.


Forgive me! I've been such a blind fool!


Forgive me! I've been a brute, a beast!


But that's what I love about you!

And they join in the final number.


The flower of our love may now unfold,
And in good time bring forth abundant fruit.
Our love will last until the stars grow cold.


How glad am I that, resolute and bold,
I dared to fare forth in love's hot pursuit.
The flower of our love may now unfold.


How glad that in the end I did not hold
Against you that your person was uncouth.
Our love will last until the stars grow cold.


Love is a story many times retold,
Yet every time revealing some new truth.
The flower of our love may now unfold.


Our flame will burn as bright when we are old
As it does in our incandescent youth.
Our love will last until the stars grow cold.


Let passion's stream flow free and uncontrolled!
Sound ardent harpsichord and amorous lute!
The flower of our love may now unfold,
Our love will last until the stars grow cold.


Lord Jesus Christ, Son of the living God, have mercy on me, a sinner.

Please pray for the souls in Purgatory

May the souls of all the faithful departed, through the mercy of God rest in peace.

New address bobtheape88...at...gmail...dot...com

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