Trousered Ape

An exercise in presumption.

Thursday, September 21, 2006

I Think I Watched "The Thing from Another World" Once Too Often
(to the tune of "I Am the Very Model of a Modern Major General")

I am a scary veg'table that came to Earth from outer space,
I'm six or eight feet tall and furthermore I have an ugly face.
My flying saucer may have crashed and stranded me in Arctic ice,
But I will introduce to you a terror from beyond the skies.
No ordinary alien, I am appalling to behold,
I'm almost indestructible, I laugh at heat and sneer at cold,
Since I'm a plant, I'm full of sap, and I have thorns for fingernails...
I'm like a creature you would see in "Frankenstein Meets Veggie Tales".

I am bloodthirsty, ruthless, fearless, hairless, and extremely strong.
I will defeat you in less time than it takes me to sing this song.
I need no high-tech weaponry, no laser beams or gamma rays:
I am a fearsome and ferocious veg'table from outer space.

I don't care what you have to say; don't bother to communicate;
I didn't come to Earth to chat, palaver, or negotiate.
Abandon any hope or dream that I could ever be your friend,
My plan is so straightforward, even fools like you can comprehend:
I'll rip you all to pieces and I'll drain your blood to feed my spawn,
Then we will rule the world when all the rest of you are dead and gone,
I'll beat you head-to-head without resorting to duplicity...
(That is, provided I avoid high-voltage electricity).

Please, go ahead and waste your time concocting plans and taking pains,
My super-carrot intellect will overmatch your puny brains.
So take a bow and ring the curtain down upon the human race:
Your conqueror has come: the mighty veg'table from outer space.

Posted by Bob the Ape 9:09 PM