KRONOS & KIDS
(A mythological sitcom)

Overture and theme song:

Kronos was an ancient Titan
(As I'm sure that you know),
And his life was so exciting,
Because he ran the whole show.

Kronos married lovely Rhea,
On a sunny morning.
Then the kids came, two and three - the
Poor guy had no warning.

The boys were each a holy terror,
Both Poseidon and Hades;
While Demeter, Hestia, and Hera,
Were no little ladies.

Such an uproar always followed them,
Made their father's head ache,
So old Kronos up and swallowed them,
Which was his mistake.

* * *

(The scene is the interior of Kronos. Poseidon, Hades, Hera, Hestia, and Demeter are seen playing a game that involves much running about and shouting.)

Voice of Kronos:
Honey, I'm home!

Voice of Rhea:
Hello, dear! How was your day?

Voice of Kronos:
Rough! I need a drink!

Voice of Rhea:
Now, dear, not before the children are in bed...you know it's bad for them.

Voice of Kronos:
Oh, of course...I forgot. (Grunts and sighs.) Will you pipe down in there! I've had a very hard day running the cosmos, and I need some peace and quiet!

Hera:
Yes, Daddy. All right, everybody, settle down!

Hades:
Oh yeah? Who died and made you queen?

Poseidon:
Mommy! Hestia cheated! She tripped me!

Voice of Rhea (absently):
Hestia, play nicely with your brother.

Hestia:
Tattletale!

(Hestia, Hades, and Poseidon exit.)

Demeter:
I'm bored.

Hera:
What do you want to do?

Demeter:
I really want to garden, but Mommy says I can't...Just because I planted goldenrod in Daddy's nose and he sneezed for a week.

Hera:
I know! Let's skip rope!

Demeter:
You know that upsets Daddy's tummy!

Hera (commanding):
Let's...skip...ROPE!!

Demeter:
Oh, okay. But if we get in trouble...

(They skip.)

Hera (chanting):
Uranus and Gaea sitting in a tree,
K-I-S-S-I-N-G!

Voice of Kronos:
What are you doing in there?!

Hera/Demeter:
Uh...nothing?

Voice of Kronos:
Well, stop it anyway or I won't eat any chocolate cake for dessert!

Hera/Demeter:
Uh...okay.

(Poseidon enters.)

Poseidon:
Promise to give me some of your chocolate cake and I won't tell.

Hera (exasperated):
Ooooh!
(Flounces out.)

Demeter (exasperated):
Someday I'll plant poison ivy in your underwear drawer!

(Smoke begins to drift into view and the sound of Kronos coughing is heard.)

Voice of Rhea:
Hestia! Did you light another sacred fire in your Daddy's lung?

Hestia (offstage):
But Mommy, it needs air!

Poseidon:
I'll help!

(He runs out and the sound of splashing water is heard.)

Hestia:
MOMMY! Poseidon put my sacred fire out!

(Poseidon enters, pursued by Hestia. They fight.)

Voice of Kronos:
All right! That does it!

(There is the sound of chewing. A large, shapeless blob of green stuff falls on Hestia and Poseidon.)

Hestia/Poseidon:
Eeewwww, gross! What is it?

Demeter (poking at blob):
I think it's spinach.

Poseidon:
Bleah!
(Exits.)

Demeter:
It could have been worse. Remember when Daddy caught Hades trying to tunnel out? He ate pickled cabbage for a month.

(Hades and Hera enter.)

Hades:
You know, I wish Daddy would eat better and put on some weight. It's getting awfully crowded in here.

Hera (dreamily):
If I ever get out, I'll live on top of a high mountain, with lots and lots of sunshine and fresh air.

Hades (sarcastically):
Thanks for letting me know. If I ever get out, I'll find a deep cave and live as far from you as I can!

(Poseidon enters.)

Poseidon:
It's going to get more crowded. I was up in Daddy's ear and I heard Mommy telling him she had another baby.

Hera:
Was it a boy or a girl?

Poseidon:
A boy. Mommy named him Zeus.

Hera:
Oh, that's just peachy. We won't outnumber you anymore!

(The sound of someone swallowing with difficulty is heard and a large swaddled bundle descends. The children undo it to reveal a lump of rock.)

Voice of Kronos:
By the Primordial Chaos, woman, next time you have a baby put some yeast into it! That felt like a chunk of granite going down! (Pauses) I'm going for a nap.

(Snoring.)

Voice of Rhea (softly):
Children, I need your help. I'm playing a little joke on Daddy. Don't say anything and I'll give you your favorite treat.

Children:
You mean - ?

Voice of Rhea (louder):
Wake up, dear. I'm sorry about Zeus. Have some Alka-Seltzer.

(Fizzing. A multitude of bubbles begins to drift down.)

Children (excitedly):
Bubbles! Bubbles!

CURTAIN