Trousered Ape
An exercise in presumption.
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
For 007 fans: If Blofeld's cat had acted like a cat...

Report of Audio Surveillance

Subject: Ernst Stavro Blofeld

Location: Blofeld’s office, SPECTRE HQ

[Extracts from transcript of recording dated 9/2/1965.]

8:30 am
(Door opens and closes. Footsteps. Chair creaks. Click and buzz.)

Miss Bund, this is Blofeld. Please inform No. 17 that if he doesn’t keep the litter box cleaned regularly, he will be shot.

9:30 am
(Click and buzz.)

Miss Bund, please come in.

(Door opens and closes. Footsteps. Chair creaks.)

Take a letter Miss Bund – may I call you Irma? (Indistinct.) Thank you, my dear. Please call me Ernst. (Cough.) Please take a letter, Irma. (Cough.) “To Herr Dietrich von Vogelsang, 63 Adlerstrasse, Hamburg. Dear Dietrich. I must complain about the quality of the Centauri-Q nerve gas received from you last month. Your catalog clearly states that a 98% mortality is guaranteed. In trials, I have found that – “ (Distressed meow.) Fluffy, how many times have I told you to stay out of the potted upas tree? You always get stuck at the top. Miss Bund – Irma – could you please get Fluffy out of the tree? (Chair creaks. Footsteps. Leaves rustling, cat hissing, female shriek, thud.) Fluffy! Are you all right, kitty? (Footsteps, door slams.) Did the nasty bad woman drop you?

9:45 am
(Click and buzz.)

Irma – Miss Bund – Fluffy is very sorry for what she did – I hope it’s not too painful. When Colonel Similov arrives, please show him in at once. Bulgarians are so impa- (Water splashing) Fluffy! Get out of there! (Water splashing.) Do you know how much I paid for those piranhas?

10:15 am
(Sound of sneeze.) I’m very sorry, Colonel Similov. (Sound of sneeze.) I should have warned you. (Sound of sneeze.) I had no idea you were allergic to cats. (Sound of sneeze.) Shall we meet at your hotel later? (Sound of sneeze.) Or better yet, just call me. (Sound of sneeze. Footsteps. Sound of sneeze. Door opens, closes.)

11:00 am
(Click and buzz.)

Miss Bund, please get me the plans of the Chinese Embassy in Cairo. (Indistinct.) Are you sure? They’re not on the work table. (Indistinct.) Very well, I’ll look again. (Click. Chair creaks. Footsteps.) Strange, Irma – Miss Bund – is usually reliable – Oh, here they are on the floor. (Paper rustles.) Fluffy, must you burrow into my secret papers? (Paper rustles louder. Cat hissing; paper tearing. Footsteps, chair creaks, click and buzz.) Miss Bund, do we have copies of the Chinese Embassy plans?

1:30 pm
(Door opens and closes. Footsteps. Chair creaks.)

Welcome back, No. 5. I trust the mission to Siberia was successful? (Indistinct.) Good, good – let’s see your report…Yes, yes, excellent. (Indistinct.) My dear woman, you do look warm. Please, feel free to take off your coat – just lay it on the desk – goodness, is that real sable? (Indistinct.) Now, you say we can hijack a plutonium shipment from the reactor at Nizhneyansk? (Soft thud; sound of cat retching.) Fluffy! On the floor! On the floor, not on the – FLUFFY!!

1:35 pm
(Click and buzz.)

Miss Bund, please contact Jacques Le Tigre and arrange a burglary at the best furrier in Paris.

2:00 pm
(Door opens and closes. Footsteps. Chair creaks.)

Ah, Professor Tokugawa. How are the gadgets coming? – we mustn’t let MI5 have all the fun, eh? (Indistinct.) A vest-pocket arsenal, you say? Well, let’s have a look – flamethrower, good…mini-rocket, excellent…tear-gas pen – (Thud; scraping and rattling.) Fluffy, those are not toys. Fluffy, leave them alone! (Tinkle, sound of escaping gas. Loud coughing, rapid footsteps. Door opens and slams.)

7:00 pm
(Door opens and closes. Footsteps. Chair creaks.)

Well, Fluffy, the office has been aired out and we can have a nice quiet evening together. (Purring.) Yes, who’s a pretty girl then? Who’s a sweet little Fluffy? (Telephone rings.) Hello, Blofeld here. Dr. Smithers! Are Fluffy’s tests back? Really? Are you sure? (Hanging up.) Fluffy, Fluffy, what have you been up to when I wasn’t looking? (Sound of dialing.) Hello, is this Mayfair 6317? Good evening James, this is Ernst…Calm down James, this is a social call…No, of course, no hard feelings about last time…James? (Throat clearing.) How would you like a kitten for Christmas?


Lord Jesus Christ, Son of the living God, have mercy on me, a sinner.

Please pray for the souls in Purgatory

May the souls of all the faithful departed, through the mercy of God rest in peace.

New address bobtheape88...at...gmail...dot...com

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