Trousered Ape

An exercise in presumption.

Wednesday, June 20, 2007

BACK YARD HAIKU

Last year, I had one
Walnut tree; thanks to the squirrels,
Now I have twenty.

“Rest on the Sabbath,”
Is the rule for God and man -
The grass keeps growing.

A green thumb raises,
In due time, a bumper crop
Of poison ivy.

Weeds seven feet high…
Um…wasn’t there a rosebush
Around here lately?

Did I hear you say,
You lost your riding mower
Down a rabbit hole?

I have invented
An atomic weed-whacker!
(Maniacal laugh.)

Posted by Bob the Ape 11:38 PM

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

The sad career of Frankenstein
    Is not for emulation.
Eschew, I pray, O daughters mine
The sad career of Frankenstein:
He sought to play a part Divine
    And so found ruination.
The sad career of Frankenstein
    Is not for emulation.

A fanged and furry lycanthrope
    Can scarcely be endured.
If toward you begins to lope
A fanged and furry lycanthrope,
You may as well abandon hope,
    You never can be cured.
A fanged and furry lycanthrope
    Can scarcely be endured.

If you’re in Castle Dracula,
    Prepare for sleepless nights,
And horrors most spectacular.
If you’re in Castle Dracula,
You’ll (pardon my vernacular)
    Find life there really bites.
If you’re in Castle Dracula,
    Prepare for sleepless nights.

Posted by Bob the Ape 9:17 PM

Sunday, June 10, 2007

On the day that I found all my crannies and nooks
Were completely and hopelessly stuffed full of books,
My solution, I flatter myself, was most canny:
I bought nine brand-new nooks and a slightly used cranny.

Posted by Bob the Ape 1:37 PM

Tuesday, June 05, 2007

Scored 92% (11 out of 12) on the True Art vs. Fake Art Quiz (only got #10 wrong).

(Hat tip to dylan and TSO).

Posted by Bob the Ape 5:16 PM

Monday, June 04, 2007

Bishop Donald Trautman, commenting on the upcoming new translation of the Mass, reveals an extraordinarily low opinion of the education and learning ability of the average Catholic:

All liturgy is pastoral. If translated texts are to be the authentic prayer of the people, they must be owned by the people and expressed in the contemporary language of their culture. To what extent are the new prayers of the Missal truly pastoral? Do these new texts communicate in the living language of the worshiping assembly? How will John and Mary Catholic relate to the new words of the Creed: "consubstantial to the Father" and "incarnate of the Virgin Mary"? Will they understand these words from the various new Collects: "sullied," "unfeigned," "ineffable," "gibbet," "wrought," "thwart"?

(Hat tip to Dale Price at Dyspeptic Mutterings.)

Which inspired this average Catholic as follows:

The Bishop to the translators:

"You have sullied the text - you have sought
For hard words - I must thwart what you've wrought.
I (ineffably pained)
DECREE (with wrath unfeigned)
THAT YOU SHALL TO A GIBBET BE BROUGHT."

The translators to the Bishop:

"What a sad, sullied soul you exhibit!
We will thwart your resort to a gibbet -
With ineffable glee
And unfeigned revelry,
Bring to nought all you’ve wrought - so just skip it!"

Posted by Bob the Ape 6:24 PM

Sunday, June 03, 2007

Bills that must be paid;
Calls that must be made;
Will I make the grade?
      I’ve got responsibility.

Atlas held the sky -
Had to hold it high.
Atlas was a guy
      That knew responsibility.

The boy stood on the deck
Of the burning wreck,
Till he got blown to heck.
      He had responsibility.

Adam’s lack of thought
A curse upon us wrought,
So all our life is fraught
      With much responsibility.

No beatitude,
Rest in vain pursued,
Every day renewed
      Is our responsibility.

Frolicking in fun,
Basking in the sun,
In my dreams I run
      Free of responsibility.

Yet the dream will break,
In the end I wake,
And once more I take
      Up Life’s responsibility.

Posted by Bob the Ape 9:12 PM