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Trousered Ape
An exercise in presumption.
Sunday, June 01, 2014
[The following is another idea which has been developing for quite some time.]



HOW I DEFEATED DEATH



My story begins after my own death.

In life I was nobody special - far from it (my name, in fact, is John Smith). From youth until my demise I worked as a librarian in a small and peaceful town in Pennsylvania. The job suited my natural tidiness and love of order, as well as my extreme diffidence and timidity. I was undeservedly blessed with a wife (who predeceased me by some years), and a daughter, who was still quite young when she was left an orphan.

Upon my arrival in the afterlife I was judged to be unfit for immediate admission to Heaven, and therefore sentenced to serve a term in Purgatory.

It is a custom there to assign certain inmates to assist the Intelligences and other angelic spirits who, under the authority of the Lord, govern the material aspects of His Creation. I was one such and found myself enrolled in the service of Azrael, also known as the Dark Angel, the Angel of Death, or just Death.

Death occupies an estate on that side of Purgatory nearest the World, as most convenient for coming and going. His house is a rambling manor, built in no particular style, but well-proportioned and solidly made. It stands in the middle of a green park densely planted with flowering trees, of which several are sure to be in blossom at any given time. During my time there, clouds rarely hid the sun during the day, or the stars at night, and autumn and winter never came. (I asked Death about this once; he explained that he saw little enough of beauty or peace when he was out doing his work, and so was determined to have plenty of both when he was at home.)

Beyond the park a grassy plain extends in all directions. Far off in the blue distance can be seen a boxlike structure of immense height and interminable extent, rather like a stupendous warehouse, the nature of which will be explained later in my account.


At first I was given the most menial tasks, such as mucking out the stables where Death's pale horses were kept, or scything the grass in the park (yes, Death has a scythe - in fact, several - and all they are ever used for is the grass; although when he's home on All Hallows Eve he will sometimes take one and carry it around, as a joke). But as time went on I was entrusted with greater responsibilities, until finally I rose the post of Death's principal secretary. As such I received the notices of those whom Death was to visit, tabulated and indexed them by name, date, place, and so on, and planned the itinerary of each of Death's journeys into the World. (Time in Purgatory is neither commensurate with nor parallel to mundane time, so Death can complete his work in one place before moving on to another, rather than leaping like a manic grasshopper from Timbuktu to Trebizond to Toronto.) At this I proved to be extraordinarily competent.


It was my successful tenure as Death's secretary which led to a remarkable and extensive new role in his service. One day Death summoned me and proposed a visit to the vast and distant structure which I had often seen, but the purpose of which I had never learned. On the long journey there (the building was further away, and hence of even greater size, than I had realized), he said nothing to give me any idea of what to expect, but there was a certain excitement in his manner leading me to believe he was looking forward to revealing something astonishing.

At the entrance to the building was posted a subordinate angel-porter, who at Death's command opened a pair of lofty and massive brazen doors and ushered us in.

The light flooding in through the open doorway illuminated a cavernous interior, crammed with a chaotic and heterogeneous assemblage of artifacts. Bottles of every conceivable size, shape, and color were ranged atop irregular stacks of crates. Lengths of metal and wood were strewn about the floor. Swords and javelins stood propped against a row of barrels, the nearest of which were labeled "Greek Fire", "Deluge", and "Spoiled Butter". A rack of stoppered test tubes balanced precariously on a heap of bricks, clay roof-tiles, and shards of pottery and glass. Beyond were artillery and automobiles, billhooks and boomerangs, a guillotine, a stuffed giraffe, and a myriad of other objects.

I turned to Death, who stood looking over the conglomeration with an air of prideful complacency, and asked, "What is all this?"

"The results of many, many years of activity," answered Death. "A long, long time ago I became fascinated by the infinite variety of means by which my presence can be required, so I started to gather mementoes. I began with only the most striking, but, as time went on - well," and suddenly Death looked a little embarrassed, "you know how it gets with collectors."

I did; but as we threaded through the narrow passes separating mountains of accumulated lethality, I realized that this was collecting on a more than titanic scale. William Randolph Hearst or Charles Foster Kane could not have envisaged, let alone acquired, a thousandth part of lay about us in heaps towering to the ceiling high above (but then, I reflected, they had neither the opportunities nor the time available to Death).

Eventually I grew fatigued by the overwhelming effort of trying to take it all in, and Death, seeing this, led me back to the entrance and out again into the sunlight and fresh air. When I had rested, he said to me, "I suppose you're wondering why I brought you here."

"I suppose simply to be treated to the spectacle," I replied. "What you have in there is surely not something to be secretly gloated over. Does everyone in your service get to come here sooner or later, or is it a mark of special favor?"

"I suppose you could say it is the latter," said Death. I was beginning to express my appreciation of the honor, but he stopped me. "In fact, very few have ever seen my collection, apart from those of my servants who have helped me to gather it. No, Smith, I didn't bring you here just to show it off. I brought you here to put you in charge of it."

"What?"

Death took me back inside. "Look about you," he said. "I have realized that I have put all my efforts accumulating, when I should have been giving some thought to organizing. Why, Himself stopped by to see it once, many years ago, and remarked that He hadn't seen chaos like this since the beginning of the First Day... Your work as my secretary has impressed me immensely - I want you to catalog and arrange my collection. I want this to be a museum, not the greatest lumber room in Creation. And you will be its curator."

"You must be joking. I was a librarian - what do I know about weapons and germs and poisons and all the whatnot you have in here?"

"Think about it. Everything in here has a story. If, instead of each item, you had a book or an article or a monograph of which it was the subject, you'd know what to do with it, correct?"

"Of course. I said I was a librarian."

"Well there you are, then. The principle's the same, whether you have just the story or the thing itself."

I could not argue with this, but raised another objection. "This would take years!" I exclaimed.

"Oh, more than that - centuries. Well, I exaggerate - your predecessor estimated a hundred and fifty years or so - but come to think of it, there wasn't nearly as much to organize as there is now. Mankind has grown prodigiously inventive since he was here."

"Predecessor?"

"Yes. You're not the first I have asked to take on the job. He was a naturalist - a disciple of the great Linnaeus, with a genius for taxonomy."

"He doesn’t seem to have gotten very far."

"I'm afraid he proved unsatisfactory. Unluckily, he started with the alcoholic beverages and found them rather too alluring. When I found out that he had entirely drunk up an irreplaceable amphora of Falernian wine from Julius Caesar's time, I had to ask for his reassignment. I believe he's now an undersecretary on the staff on the Intelligence governing the planet Pluto. I do feel sorry for him - not much scope for a naturalist on Pluto… One thing that recommended you to me was that you had been particularly abstemious during your life."

"That is so," I said. "My only addiction is to the works of P. G. Wodehouse."

"I think somewhere I have a case of them which fell on someone's head - please, just put them back when you're done with them."


* * * * * * * * * * * * *


And so I moved from secretary to curator. At first, though, it seemed more like a combination of junk dealer, pawnbroker, and archaeologist. Fortunately, I was not required to work alone - Death had placed a crew of subordinate angels at my disposal, and they did all the heavy lifting - but even the intellectual labor was Herculean. It took several years just to separate everything into some sort of rough grouping, and then years more to work out a cataloging system, for Death's simplistic argument proved wrong and neither Dewey Decimal nor Library of Congress was at all suitable. And then more years to work out the floor plan of the museum. And then more years to construct it. And then, when we actually started to put things in place, a thousand weaknesses, oversights, and incorrect assumptions in the initial designs became evident, and much had to be done over again, or torn down and rebuilt.

Part of the problem, of course, was that even as we struggled with millennia of accumulated artifacts, more were pouring in all the time. As Death had said, Mankind had grown prodigiously inventive. Also, Death had broadened his interests from actual lethality to potential, and I had to determine what to do with things like weaponized chickenpox, cat-borne incendiaries, and ever more powerful explosive devices - I particularly remember Death enthusing over the Berserker, a prototype 500-megaton fusion bomb ("So elegant a design! And such a simple controller! Push button one to activate, push button two to arm, and when you push button three - kaboom! Not, of course," he added hastily, "that I'd ever actually want anyone to use it.").

And part of the problem was that things were not always what they seemed. Some examples:

A box of arsenic-laced cookies - poisoning? No - the wife who baked them with murderous intent burned herself badly while taking them out of the oven, and died of a resulting infection.

Three empty whiskey bottles - legacy of someone who drank himself to death? No - they were part of the kit of a street performer, a juggler. A passing motorist, distracted by his act, lost sight of where he was going and ran into a telephone pole.

The stuffed giraffe I had seen that first day - one of a stampeding herd which trampled everyone in its path? No - it had belonged to an eccentric millionaire and was quite gentle. It had died of a sudden heart attack and collapsed on top of its owner.

And then there was the paper bag of confetti. I had no idea what to do with it, so I took it to Death and asked him. He looked puzzled for a moment, then burst out laughing and said he'd forgotten about that one. He told me that he would keep it for now, but promised to bring it when the museum was finished and tell me the story then.



It is here that my account turns, I fear, rather melodramatic. I had perforce relinquished my secretarial duties to take up my new job as curator, and they were taken on by a series of new secretaries. There would sometimes be a gap between the departure of one secretary and the arrival of the next, and at such times I was asked to fill in. I welcomed such occurrences, as they provided a refreshing break from my endless labors at Death's museum.

It was during one such period, just before the museum was complete, when a notice reached my desk. As I said above, Purgatorial time is not at all the same as worldly time, so the reader should not be overly surprised to learn that this notice was of the death of my daughter, nor that she was still a young girl. That she was to die was upsetting enough yet might have been bearable, but when I looked at the details, and discovered how prolonged and how agonizing the event would be, I could not allow it. The notice went into a drawer at once, and came with me when I returned to the museum.

For days and weeks thereafter, as I put the finishing touches to my work and passed it in review to ensure that all was ready and in order, that notice was continually in my mind. Try how I might, I could not think of a way to convert the delay I had so desperately contrived into a permanent respite. And yet for all that time I had to keep up a bland and businesslike façade, concealing the frantic turmoil behind.

The day came at last when everything had been done. Death had planned the ceremony of a formal opening, but asked for a private viewing first.

I guided him for miles through halls and galleries, chambers and vaults, past thousands of cases, shelves, and mountings displaying instruments and mementoes of every imaginable immediate or proximate cause of someone's demise.

At last we reached the central chamber, wherein were ranged those devices which most elegantly combined ingenuity, intricacy, and concentrated lethality. For many minutes Death wandered through the room, inspecting its gleaming and glittering contents. Returning to my side, he was at first too overcome to speak. Finally he mastered himself, sighed, turned to me with tears in his eyes and said, "This is magnificent, Smith. This is an amazing piece of work. You have gone far beyond my hopes; you have accomplished more than I dared to dream. This is, simply, the completest thing."

Our journey out was slower than our journey in, for Death was forever noticing one or another item particularly memorable and we would pause while he spoke to me of its history and significance. It was when we were nearing the exit, in the Hall of Gunpowder Weaponry, XIXth Century, North America, that the blow fell. Death had strolled across the hall, his attention caught by some souvenir, and as he did so he spoke casually over his shoulder, "By the way, Smith, I need that notice you took."

To my astonishment, I head myself say, "No."

Death gave no sign of having heard. He went on a few paces, stopped, and took down from the wall a Colt Navy revolver. Looking fondly at it, he said, "This one has a very interesting story. I was at the Battle of - "

"No," I said again, more loudly.

"- Cedar Creek, in 1864, when - "

"No!" I said again, louder still.

"- the 93rd Pennsylvania - "

I happened to be standing by a mounted Spencer seven-shot repeating rifle. I seized it and fired into the air. The sound of the shot echoed and re-echoed through the hall while a cloud of dust and plaster flakes floated down from the ceiling. Death stopped talking, looked at me quizzically, and resumed studying the Colt.

I fired another shot into the air, and when Death looked up again fired a third past his ear. He turned and looked at the hole the bullet had made in the wall. But all he said was, "You need to be more careful, Smith - you might have damaged something."

I felt at this point that I might as well damn the torpedoes and go full steam ahead. Taking aim this time, I fired three more shots. Two connected: one smashed the lock of a Model 1861 Springfield rifled musket, while the other left a deep score across the shining barrel of a mint-condition Napoleon twelve-pounder.

This finally got Death's undivided attention. But as he started to cross the hall back toward me, I shouted, "Stop! I've got one bullet left, and I really don't care where it goes!"

Death chuckled. "Are you threatening me? Do you actually think that you can injure, let alone kill, an angel?"

"No," I replied, "but do you see that powder barrel? What do you think would happen in this room if a slug of hot lead hit it?"

For the first time Death looked a little discomposed. Putting his hands in the air, he said, "Let's not get carried away and do anything we might later regret. Say what you have to say - I'm listening. What do you want?"

"You know what I want. Leave my daughter alone!"

"I'm sorry," said Death, "but that's impossible." And he turned to go.

"Have it your way," I shouted after him. "Let's find out how loud the bang is." And I raised the Spencer and aimed it at the powder barrel.

Death stopped and turned to face me again.

"It really is impossible, Smith," he said. "There is, quite literally, nothing I can do about it."

"What do you mean? You go to her, she dies; you stay away, she lives. Listen," I pleaded, "I'll do anything - anything. Name the price, I'll pay it."

"It doesn't work like that," answered Death impatiently, "so stop this foolishness and come along. I tell you, there is no price you can pay for your daughter's life."

Inspiration came to me. I exclaimed, "All right. But there's a price you'll pay for her death!" I leapt to a pyramid of roundshot and, using the Spencer as a lever, pried out one from the bottom. The pyramid melted into a tide of iron balls clanging and ringing over the floor between Death and me. As it did so I turned and ran back again, deeper into the museum.

Death followed me as fast as he could. But I had the advantage of knowing the plan of the museum; and also, I knew exactly where I was headed. By the time Death found me, I was ready.

Once again we were in the central chamber. But this time I was standing beside the Berserker, holding the controller. The tell-tale light on the spotless white housing was glowing a steady green, and a soft, ominous hum filled the air.

"I've pushed button one and button two already," I said to Death. "Shall I push button three and find out how loud a bang this makes? And what will happen to your precious collection if I do?"

"Stop!" cried Death, now paler than any of his horses. "Let's - let's talk."

"What's to talk about? If you tell me that my daughter lives, you get to keep your collection. Otherwise, I start a very short countdown."

"It's not that simple! I say to you again that I have no authority in this - those above me do. They tell me to come, and I come; they tell me to go, and I go."

"Then I tell you to go - go to them and tell them what I want. And if they deny me, then - what was it you said once? - Kaboom!"

Death departed hastily and I settled down to a wait of unknown duration. But I was exhausted, and drained; the hum of the Berserker grew less ominous and more soothing; and I fell asleep.

The sound of my name being called broke into my dreams and roused me. Before I was fully I awake I realized that I was no longer holding the controller. I groped about madly but could not find it. Finally I looked up and saw Death standing over me, the controller in his hands. The sickening knowledge of failure swept over me. And then Death spoke.

"You've won, Smith," he said, smiling. "They changed their minds. Your daughter will live. Let's go home."

When we got home, Death informed me that I was being reassigned, adding that if he had any say in the matter, my successor would have no living relatives closer than a fifth cousin once removed, or maybe even twice.


* * * * * * * * * * * * *


It's very peaceful here on Pluto. There's not much for a second deputy assistant undersecretary to do, so I have a lot of time on my hands. I've taken up acrostics and indoor croquet, and Death was gracious enough to give me the case of Wodehouse as a going-away present.

My only regret is that I never found out about the confetti.


Tuesday, May 20, 2014
Recent blurps:

Inspired by William Luse's painting of a bird at Apologia:

Merciful hunter -
Quarry taken and mounted,
Yet alive and free!"


On Father Z's blog, responding to Father Z's objection to split infinitives:

Infinitives I love to blithely split -
You may wish to pedantically object,
Or rashly throw a nutty (spittle-flecked) -
Rage how you will, I plan to never quit.


Contemplating advancing age:

I don't rove with the lusty young studs,
Or carouse with the dashing young bloods;
All such days gay and fast
Now are long in the past -
I just fud with the other old duds.
Friday, May 16, 2014
Oh dear. Not only did I miss announcing my 58th birthday on April 26th, I also missed announcing my 10th blogiversary. Preoccupation with other matters, advancing age, inertia, just plain sloth? Probably all of them.

As long as I'm here, I shall mention that tomorrow will be the 25th anniversary of the day on which the Bride and I "met" each other. We were members of an organization called Single Booklovers (still around). I had just joined; I had looked through the list of thumbnail profiles they had sent and compiled a list of possibilities (that sounds rather bloodless, but it really wasn't), and then went through it again and added a few more - she was one of the afterthoughts. I called her on May 17, 1989 (I was in New Jersey, she was in Houston); we were talking marriage in July, I flew down to Houston in August, we got engaged Christmas Eve, and were married the following September. (Impetuous folly or two people old enough - 33 and 30 - to know their own minds? Subsequent event would seem to indicate the latter, although where we would have been without also benefiting from great dollops of God's grace, I don't know).

Sorry to bore you with trivia. I may have another bit of scribbled oddness up soon - it's still being edited & we'll see how it comes out.
Saturday, March 29, 2014
[The idea for the following came to me a long time ago, and gradually took form until finally the Muse hit me upside the head and told me to stop lollygagging and write it down.]

THE LAST QUESTION

Armageddon was over, and a great peace filled Creation.  Most of the Heavenly host had departed, but many still remained, cleaning up the battlefield.  There were, of course, no bodies - all the combatants being angelic spirits or immortal souls - but there were great mounds of armor and weapons, broken or dropped in flight, and uncounted myriads of feathers.

Lucifer lay in chains, waiting until the time came to be thrown with his legions into the Pit.  He called out continually, until finally the Archangel Michael came and asked what he wanted.

"I want to speak with the Marshal of Mankind," said Lucifer.  "I want to ask him a question."

So the Archangel Michael summoned the Marshal of Mankind and brought him to Lucifer.  "What do you want to know?" asked the Marshal.

"How did you do it?" asked Lucifer.

"How did I do what?"

"Not you - the Army of Mankind.  How did you do it?"

"I'm sorry," said the Marshal, "but you'll have to explain."

"Look," said Lucifer.  "Before the battle, I was certain that your army would be of no account.  In all my dealings with Mankind, you have proved pathetically weak.  I never got anywhere, try though I might, with any of the ninety and nine righteous peoples of Creation, but you fell into my hands from the start.  Three times I almost won, forcing Him to adopt the most desperate expedients: the first time, He had to wipe out almost all of you and start over; the second, He had to make Himself manifest and work innumerable miracles in order to free His Chosen People from the sentence of slavery and death which I had imposed upon them; and finally, He had to sacrifice His own Son.

"Going into this late battle, I had almost as many of you on my side as He did on His - and they were useless.  Half of them were shirkers and skulkers, and the other half turned and fled at the sound of the opening trumpet.

"And when we arrayed our forces for battle, there you were, far out on one flank.  I had expected as much - even He had the wit to keep you well away from the real fighting.

"But what happened? As soon as battle was joined, you smashed through the legion facing you, turned and flanked the next, and began rolling up my right wing.  You forced me to commit my reserves early, and you broke them as well.  You fought your way to the very center and there you met the ninety and nine righteous peoples, who combined got there no faster than you did alone.

"How did you do it?  What secret weapon did He give you?"

"I'll tell you," said the Marshal, "but you won't believe me."

"Try me," said Lucifer.

"Very well.  Yes, we had something which the ninety and nine didn't have, nor did any other army in His host.  But we didn't get it from Him.  We got it from you."

"Impossible.  I inspected my armory myself before the battle.  Nothing was missing."

"We didn't steal it from you.  You gave it to us freely; in fact you insisted on doing so, and would not take 'No' for an answer."

"Eh?"

"The ninety and nine could not have been better prepared for the battle than they were.  They had studied, they had trained, they had drilled - they were flawless.  But they had never been in battle: they had no idea of what it really is, and it took time for them to come to grips with it.

"But Mankind had been in constant battle with you from the beginning.  In the course of time you struck at us with every weapon in your arsenal.  You used every ruse, every tactic, every maneuver you could imagine.  And so we were forced to learn how to counter each of them.  By the time the trumpet sounded, there was not a stratagem you could try which we could not anticipate and foil before it started.  Moloch, Mammon, Beelzebub, Mephistopheles - they were old acquaintances.

"Thanks to you, we were veterans before this battle started.  Armageddon was just another day's work for us."

After the Marshal had finished, Lucifer lay still, buried in thought, for a long time.  Finally he said, more to himself than to the Marshal,

"What a mistake I made.  I should have scouted that flank more carefully.  It's clear enough to me now what He did: He disguised His best soldiers as you, and hit me where I was wasn't expecting them.  A clever trick, but an ignoble one…I would not have thought it of Him…"

The Marshal gazed sadly at Lucifer but said nothing.

After a while, Lucifer spoke again, "And now He's stuck!  He's so concerned with His reputation, He can't ever let it out that He stooped to a trick!  So to cover it up, He has to let you take the credit…Oh, I can hear already the boasting and bragging you'll do!  And the ninety and nine - will they put up with that?  They fought bravely and well, and they see poltroons and skulkers making off with their glory?  No, they will boil over with jealousy and injured pride…There will be war in Heaven again!" His eyes blazed. " And one side or the other will be wanting allies…and they'll have to turn to me...oh, yes, I'll come back, I'll have learned from my mistakes, and I'll win!  I'll win!!"

"I told you that you wouldn't believe me," said the Marshal of Mankind.

And he went away.
Thursday, February 13, 2014


Yes, I'm still alive.





Hat tip to lines and colors (for the painting).

Wednesday, December 25, 2013
Merry Christmas!
Thursday, October 24, 2013
It speaks for itself:



(Original here)


Hat tip to Dark Roasted Blend.
Sunday, October 20, 2013
Regarding one of the current kerfuffles, a slightly edited version of a comment I had made:

All the talk about health insurance - all of it - is a distraction from the basic issue, which is what can be done to help those who are genuinely too poor to afford needed medical treatment. This is a problem best addressed outside the box of health insurance, especially the distorted and perverted system which we have today.

Forcing the rich to subsidize the non-rich for any reason is always wrong and imprudent. For starters, it takes the virtue out of charity. If Tom sees his poor neighbor Dick in need and helps him out, then all's right with the world: Tom makes the sacrifice of his own free will and deserves merit in Heaven and Dick's gratitude on Earth. But if Harry decides that Tom isn't doing enough and holds a gun to Tom's head to make him help Dick, then Tom deserves nothing because he didn't give voluntarily, but neither does Harry, because he sacrificed nothing. Dick's gratitude will be misdirected to Harry instead of to Tom, even though Tom made the sacrifice. Furthermore, Tom's dignity suffers because his autonomy is infringed upon, and because he is merely being treated as a means to an end. Finally, there is no guarantee that Harry knows better than Tom what to do, especially since Tom is probably closer to Dick than Harry is.

And then, inevitably, fallen human nature enters the picture. Tom, perpetually browbeaten by Harry and ignored by Dick, will grow to detest them both, and in fact the very concept of charity.

Harry, realizing that the more he browbeats Tom, the more he will gain the applause of the world, will continually increase his exactions. Looking in his mirror and seeing what a fine fellow he is, he will think he deserves some recompense for the time and effort he's putting in - after all, guns are expensive - and will start skimming to get a better car (because it would be terrible if the help didn't get there in time!), and a secretary to make sure he doesn't lose track of all the money, and a new overcoat lest he catch a cold and have to spend a week in bed instead of being out there helping Dick, and so on.

Dick, finding that all he needs to get through life is to go to Harry every so often and ask for more, will grow to think that he's entitled to all he can get. He will see any complaint by Tom as the start of a move to take away what is rightfully his. He will be encouraged in this by Harry, who will loudly and publicly accuse Tom of callous greed and selfishness.

And the members of Harry's fan club, who don't do anything but sit in the bleachers cheering Harry and booing Tom, will congratulate each other on their public-spiritedness and virtue because, after all, they're on Harry's side.

You want to help the poor get medical care? Become a doctor and open a clinic. If your talents don't lie that way, find a doctor who's running a clinic and help him, even if it's nothing more than sending him a little bit - out of your own pocket - every month to help cover expenses. Help pay the tuition of a medical student so the doctor can have an apprentice who may someday open another clinic.

Do what you can do and don't worry about what your neighbor may or may not be doing; he may be doing a lot and just not talking about it; and anyway, it's not your business.

It's not the Federal government's business either.
Friday, September 06, 2013


It's come to this...
Sunday, August 04, 2013
Surfacing just long enough to pass along a question asked by commenter "Michael D" at Midwest Conservative Journal which epigrammatically illustrates the Zeitgeist:

Why should abortion rights apply only to people who are pregnant?
Monday, June 10, 2013
Still alive. Still very busy at work. Still very gloomy about the state of the world, especially my country. Muse still on vacation - don't know where, haven't even gotten a postcard.
Sunday, April 28, 2013
Brandon at Siris briefly reviews the movies  Les Miserables and Atlas Shrugged Part II, and concludes that "what we really need is an Atlas Shrugged film musical."

Maybe someday...
Friday, April 26, 2013
Today is the ninth anniversary of Trousered Ape, and my 57th birthday.

Sorry I haven't been posting lately: my job has been unusually fatiguing, and the Muse has departed for an extended vacation; given the current uncertain and depressing state of the nation and the world, I don't blame her.

Update: Anthony Esolen puts it more eloquently than I could.
Wednesday, March 13, 2013
God, bless Your servant Francis; keep him safe and well; give him the grace and virtue he needs to feed Your sheep; and protect him from his enemies and confound and scatter them.
Sunday, February 24, 2013
Just performed another long-overdue update to my sidebar.  I decided to drop the Latinity, since in fact my Latin is not good enough for such pretension.

I don't know why the archive list changed.
Saturday, February 23, 2013
Just because (a) we're losing a great Pope and (b) the current times have a whiff about them of Rome of the 2nd century B.C., or perhaps the Weimar Republic, it doesn't mean we can't engage in a little buffoonery:

The Ballad of Donovan's Brain

I've got Mister Donovan's brain, ha ha!
I've got Mister Donovan's brain:
It will keep nicely, stored
In this potion I've poured;
And I don't care a rap for the Medical Board.
I will study, record, puzzle out and explain
All the workings of Donovan's brain, oh yes -
Of Donovan's singular brain.

        I feel rather odd in my brain, I do -
        I feel rather odd in my brain:
        I'm not sure where I'm at,
        But it seems like a vat,
        And I sense there's a doctor who's wanting to chat,
        And I'm pretty sure that he will take every pain
        To be very good friends with my brain, indeed -
        He'll get very close to my brain.

What is it with Donovan's Brain, I ask -
What is it with Donovan's Brain?
I fear that he'll stifle
My ego; my life will
Be his to control to the tiniest trifle;
My poor little wife will think I've gone insane,
When I'm under the sway of his brain, oh dear -
Of Donovan's masterful brain.

        It's great to be Donovan's Brain, it is -
        It's great to be Donovan's Brain!
        The good Doctor and me
        Will go out on a spree
        (Though I'll have to enjoy it vicariously),
        And I think you'll agree that it's perfectly plain
        That it's grand to be Donovan's Brain, hurrah!
        To be Donovan's wonderful Brain!

Oh, how I hate Donovan's Brain, I cry -
That horrible Donovan's Brain!
I must bow to his will,
I must march to his drill,
Now this kooky experiment's lost all its thrill -
So I'll battle until I am free from the rein
Of tyrannical Donovan's Brain - en garde!
I challenge you, Donovan's Brain!

        The Doctor's resisting my brain, he is -
        The Doctor's at war with my brain.
        If he's after a fight,
        He will find that despite
        All his efforts, he's bound to my cerebral might.
        For his pitiful plight I have only disdain,
        He can't stand up to Donovan's Brain, oh no -
        He's no match for Donovan's Brain!

To Hell with you, Donovan's Brain! It's down
To Hell with you, Donovan's Brain!
I've unraveled your tricks
And got out of my fix,
And to all of your boasting and threats I say nix!
Your special elixir has gone down the drain,
So it's farewell to Donovan's Brain, it is -
It's farewell to Donovan's Brain!

        It's the finish for Donovan's Brain, alas,
        The finish of Donovan's Brain.
        It's a terrible toss,
        But the Doc is the boss -
        Success brings you brickbats as well as applause -
        And I guess that my loss is humanity's gain,
        So it's farewell from Donovan's Brain, it is -
        It's farewell from Donovan's Brain.
Monday, February 18, 2013
Some things are the same as they were 240 years ago...
Saturday, February 16, 2013
I have pretty much retired from satire, save for a limerick here and there in a comment thread, but others have not; please see:

Red Cardigan's excellent parody at And Sometimes Tea,

and

A hilarious sendup of clueless reporting by Devin Rose at St. Joseph's Vanguard.
Monday, February 11, 2013
So, Pope Benedict is abdicating.

1. Pray.
2. Trust the Holy Spirit.
3. And relax.
Saturday, February 02, 2013
Mrs. Darwin has posted another 100 book meme. I have at some point in my life read 39 of them; I could probably pass a pop quiz on 21.

The ones I could pass a quiz on:

A Tale of Two Cities
Alice in Wonderland
And Then There Were None
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory
Dracula
Dune
Frankenstein
Green Eggs and Ham
Hamlet
Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone
Little House on the Prairie
Pride and Prejudice
Romeo and Juliet
Sense and Sensibility
The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes
The Fellowship of the Ring
The Hobbit
The Lion, The Witch, and the Wardrobe
The Odyssey
The Picture of Dorian Grey
Watchmen

The others I have read:

1984
A Wrinkle in Time
Anne of Green Gables
Brave New World
Crime and Punishment
Fahrenheit 451
Jane Eyre
Lord of the Flies
Of Mice and Men
Rebecca
The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn
The Brothers Karamazov
The Catcher in the Rye
The Count of Monte Cristo
The Good Earth
The Great Gatsby
The Little Prince
The Princess Bride
The Stranger

The remainder, which I have not read, and probably never will:

A Game of Thrones
A Prayer for Owen Meany
American Gods
Anna Karenina
Beloved
Catch-22
East of Eden
Ender's Game
Fight Club
Gone With The Wind
Interpreter of Maladies
Interview with the Vampire
Invisible Man
Les Miserables
Life of Pi
Like Water for Chocolate
Little Women
Lolita
Lonesome Dove
Memoirs of a Geisha
Middlesex
My Sister's Keeper
One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest
One Hundred Years of Solitude
Outlander
Slaughterhouse Five
The Bell Jar
The Book Thief
The Brief Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao
The Color Purple
The DaVinci Code
The Fountainhead
The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo
The Giver
The Golden Compass
The Handmaid's Tale
The Help
The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
The House of the Spirits
The Hunger Games
The Joy Luck Club
The Kite Runner
The Master and Margarita
The Notebook
The Pillars of the Earth
The Poisonwood Bible
The Road
The Secret Garden
The Stand
The Sun Also Rises
The Time Traveler's Wife
The Unbearable Lightness of Being
The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle
Their Eyes Were Watching God
To Kill a Mockingbird
Twilight
Ulysses
Water for Elephants
Where the Sidewalk Ends
Wuthering Heights

[Edited to add The Fellowship of the Ring, inadvertently omitted from the initial posting of the list.]
Thursday, January 31, 2013
Longfellow, as promised, after which I retire - this is becoming dangerously addictive.

"You shall hear how Pau-Puk-Keewis,
How the handsome Yenadizze
Danced at Hiawatha's wedding."
- Henry Wadsworth Longfellow, "Song of Hiawatha", canto XI

This was after they had practiced
Ancient rituals, established
In the age of myth and legend,
Long before their fathers' fathers
Brought the tribe to Gitche Gumee;
Long before the tribe had settled
On the shores of Gitche Gumee
By the shining Big-Sea-Water.

First the best man rose and chanted
Words of glad congratulation
To the smiling Hiawatha
And the blushing Laughing Water.
Then the whole assembly gathered.
Raised as one their glasses, brimming
With the merry wine a-sparkle,
And in honor of the couple
Drained them to the very bottom.

Then the lovely Laughing Water,
Taking up her bridal nosegay,
Made of hollyhocks and daisies,
Violets and black-eyed Susans,
Tossed it to the waiting maidens.
Bright-eyed virgins, eager, jostling,
Vied to catch the flying nosegay.

Then arose a raucous cheering,
As the noble Hiawatha
Knelt and raised the lower portion
Of fair Laughing Water's garment
And removed the silken garter,
Stood and threw it to his groomsmen.
One leapt out before the others,
Seized the ornament in triumph,
And the shapely thigh encircled
Of the maiden with the nosegay.

Then the wedding cake in glory,
Borne upon the brawny shoulders
Of a dozen mighty warriors,
Set before the whole assembly,
Caused the wedding guests to marvel,
Caused the waiting mouths to water.
Seven layers tall it stood there
Cased in shining spotless frosting
Whiter still than any swansdown;
And each layer was encrusted
With rococo decoration:
Seashells, scrollwork, swags and flowers,
In more colors than the rainbow -
An astonishing confection!

Stepping forth, the major-domo
Sliced the cake, as was his duty,
With his knife of shining copper,
Handle wrought of polished elkhorn,
Brought to noble Hiawatha
And to lovely Laughing Water,
Each a portion; then the couple
Followed the time-honored fashion,
Showed their mutual affection,
Mashed it in each other's faces.

Now at last the shaman summoned
Forth the chieftain Pau-Puk-Keewis,
Urged him to begin the dancing,
To arise and lead the dancing,
Dancing by the whole assembly
Of the sacred Hoki-Poki.

Now the handsome Yenadizze,
In accordance with the pattern,
Laid down in the days of legend,
Rose and inward put his right hand,
Put it outward, put it inward,
Shook it all about with vigor,
Raised his hands to point to Heaven,
Flourished them in awful gesture
Of the sacred Hoki-Poki;
Lastly, turning in a circle,
He completed the first figure,
Followed by the whole assembly.

Thus the chieftain Pau-Puk-Keewis
Gravely led them in the dancing
Of the sacred Hoki-Poki.

Now the dance grows ever faster!
Left hand follows hard the right hand,
Left foot follows hard the right foot,
And upon the dancers' raiment,
Eagle feathers, deerskin fringes
Toss about as do the branches
Of the birch trees in the forest
When the east wind blows in autumn.

Now the dance grows ever faster!
Head and backside, each in order,
Each receives its due attention.
Feet in moccasins of buckskin
Strike in unison the dance-floor,
Strike it with a noise like thunder.

And the voice of Pau-Puk-Keewis
Loudly, clearly, sets the measure,
As he leads the sacred dancing.
Ever onward, Pau-Puk-Keewis!
Never tiring, never failing!
As the spirits had commanded
In the misty days of legend,
Long before the tribe had settled
On the shores of Gitche Gumee
By the shining Big-Sea-Water.

Now there comes the final figure!
Now the dancers, spirit-guided,
Lost in rhythmic exaltation,
Fling their bodies with abandon
Inwards, outwards; then they send them
Spinning like the mighty whirlwind!
Thus the dancing is concluded.

Thus they danced the Hoki-Poki,
Danced the sacred Hoki-Poki
On the shores of Gitche Gumee
By the shining Big-Sea-Water
As the spirits had commanded
In the age of myth and legend.
Wednesday, January 30, 2013
Did you know that reading my blog makes you awesome by association?

It's true!

Longfellow's hokey-pokey is postponed until the golden fog of vanity dissipates.

(P.S., go and vote. (You have to cast a vote in every category, so be prepared to do some research.))
Sunday, January 27, 2013
And now, Omar Khayyam (strictly speaking, the FitzGerald translation; my extremely short list of scholarly accomplishments does not extend to Persian):

Carousing having palled on me, I turned
To abstruse Sciences, whereby I learned
That I should wander far across the Globe
Ere I would find the Peace for which I yearned.

In ancient Kaikobad I chanced to meet
A Wedding party passing down the Street;
They bade me join them, vowing they would show
To me that which would make my Quest complete.

I did this Opportunity embrace,
And in the dancing Circle took my Place,
And let the Spell of Hautboy, Shawm, and Drum
Possess my Body with its rhythmic Grace.

In turn, I inward put and outward took
Each Hand and Foot, which afterwards I shook;
I Hokey-pokeyed, turned about and found
A Wisdom never writ in any Book.

For sudden Revelation, with a Clout
Upside my Head, put Ignorance to Rout;
And Understanding sweetly Pierced my Soul:
Aye, verily, That's what It's all about.
Friday, January 25, 2013
As an Ape, it is my natural lot to imitate my betters; so, I follow Tom at dark speech upon the harp in hokey-pokeying in the style of various poets.

Starting off with Edgar Lee Masters:

Bildad Hoke

From my youth I was a devotee of Terpsichore
And created new dances in Her honor
And danced them in the square.
But the Philistines of Spoon River
Would tell me I was crazy
And go off to Burchard's grog shop.
So I went to Chicago
And studied Dance and Music and Poetry
And created a dance more marvelous than any before
And in pride and vanity named it after myself.
The summer I came home
I went to the wedding of Fletcher and Ollie McGee
And afterwards at the reception
I gave a copy of the score to Fiddler Jack
And a dollar to play it.
The melody started
And I went out on the dance floor.
I stuck my right hand in,
And out, and in,
And I shook it all about,
And I did my marvelous Hoke-y-Pokey and turned myself about -
But Thomas Rhodes was lost in thoughts of gain,
And Frank Drummer was reading Volume IX (Ent-Fra) of the
Encyclopedia Britannica,
And Minerva Jones was scribbling an epithalamion on the back of an envelope,
And Lydia Puckett and Lucius Atherton were eying one another,
And Knowlt Hoheimer was eying them,
And Deacon Taylor was drunk,
And Anne Rutledge had buttonholed A. D. Blood
And was bragging about how Abraham Lincoln had been her boyfriend,
And Enoch Dunlap had gone to the men's room -
And nobody noticed me at all.
I opened my mouth to cry out,
"But that is what it's all about!"
And fell down senseless.


Upcoming: Omar Khayyam and Henry Wadsworth Longfellow.
Saturday, January 19, 2013
Many cats have lived with us over the years.  Some have been smarter than average.  And some haven't.

Cat without a clue,
Don't know what to do,
Night and day, your wit's astray -
Cat without a clue.

Tell me why you're sitting there,
Eyes wide open in a vacant stare,
Haven't got an idea anywhere -
Cat without a clue.

Cat without a clue,
Don't know what to do,
Paws tucked under, sit and wonder -
Cat without a clue.

I don't want to be unkind,
But not thinking puts you in a bind,
Did the pixies steal away your mind -
Cat without a clue.

Cat without a clue,
Don't know what to do,
Wash your face, your head's in space -
Cat without a clue.

Come and curl up in my lap,
Doesn't take a brain to take a nap,
You'd look silly in a thinking cap -
Cat without a clue.

Cat without a clue,
Say, how do you do,
Mew and purr, your brain's a blur -
Cat without a clue.

Sunday, January 06, 2013
Rejoinder to ThomasD, the erstwhile dylan, of dark speech upon the harp:

My own autobiographical double-dactyl:

Bob the Ape recklessly
Spiked his Pierian
With some brown acid and
Drank the whole thing.

Since then his verse has been
Furiosissimus -
Take hime to Bedlam and
Make him the king!


And a very silly limerick:

An ambitious young man from Saskatchewan
One day put a pair of eyepatches on -
As he stumbled about,
He gave vent to a shout:
"I'll be famous if ever this catches on!"
Saturday, January 05, 2013
Some literary limericks:

If Dorothy L. Sayers had been really lazy:

Lord Peter and Bunter, while hot
On the trail of a criminal, got
Introduced to Miss Vane,
Who, though sometimes a pain
In the end to the altar was brought.


If Herman Melville had been really lazy:

Ahab's leg got chewed up by a whale,
So with Ishmael on board he set sail.
The voyage took ages,
And hundreds of pages;
At the end, the whale sneered, "Epic fail."


If Dostoevsky had been really really lazy:

Who left poor old Fyodor dead?
Was it Ivan, with brains in his head?
Alyosha the good?
Or Dmitri the hood?
No - 'twas Smerdyakov, base and ill-bred.


If Tolstoy had been really really really lazy:

Prince Andrei was terribly bored,
Natasha was spoiled and froward,
Pierre was a puzzler,
Young Rostov a hustler,
And Bonaparte matched with his horde.


And a poisontea:

He poisoned her milk of magnesia, but
He found it was labor in vain -
The doctor had cured what was wrong with her gut,
And she poured the whole thing down the drain.
Monday, December 31, 2012
"Favorite Christmas Movie – 'Die Hard'"
- LarryD, Acts of the Apocalypse

"It just doesn’t feel like the Christmas season to me until Nakatomi Plaza blows up."
- Commentor Eegahinc, from The B-Movie Catechism.

Deck the halls of Nakatomi -
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
Quaff the champagne, iced and foamy -
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
Welcome John McClane, a stranger -
Fa la la, la la la, la la la.
Peace on Earth, no fear or danger -
Fa la la la la, la la la la.

Yuletide cheer now meets disaster -
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
Enter Hans, the criminal master -
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
Hans turns out to be a mean one -
Fa la la, la la la, la la la.
Uh-oh, John has a machine gun -
Ho ho ho ho ho, ho ho ho ho.

Battle blazes up from kindling -
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
Hans's band is quickly dwindling -
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
Helpless, law and order's forces -
Fa la la, la la la, la la la.
Root for John's stars in their courses -
Fa la la la la, la la la la.

Hans has one card left for playing -
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
John averts a dreadful slaying -
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
Night explodes in shock and wonder -
Ticky tock, ticky tock, tick, KA-BOOM!
Pyrotechnics flash and thunder -
Fa la la la la, la la la la.

All is over but the mopping -
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
Wave farewell as Hans is dropping -
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
Joy returns to hearts affrighted -
Fa la la, la la la, la la la.
John and Holly reunited -
Fa la la la la, la la la la.

- me.
Sunday, December 30, 2012
Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!
Thursday, August 30, 2012
Here just long enough to say that for a number of reasons, not all of them discreditable, I am staying off the Internet for a time. Also, prayers for a special intention would be greatly appreciated. God bless you.
Sunday, June 17, 2012
I have to qualify the previous post: Mankind may not be doomed, but Western civilization is.

 

Lord Jesus Christ, Son of the living God, have mercy on me, a sinner.


Please pray for the souls in Purgatory

May the souls of all the faithful departed, through the mercy of God rest in peace.


New address bobtheape88...at...gmail...dot...com


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  The Authoress
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Household:
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