Trousered Ape

2013-04-28T17:54:00.000-04:00

Brandon at Siris briefly reviews the movies Les Miserables and Atlas Shrugged Part II, and concludes that "what we really need is an Atlas Shrugged film musical."

Maybe someday...

2013-04-26T21:23:00.000-04:00

Today is the ninth anniversary of Trousered Ape, and my 57th birthday.

Sorry I haven't been posting lately: my job has been unusually fatiguing, and the Muse has departed for an extended vacation; given the current uncertain and depressing state of the nation and the world, I don't blame her.

Update: Anthony Esolen puts it more eloquently than I could.

2013-03-13T15:45:00.002-04:00

God, bless Your servant Francis; keep him safe and well; give him the grace and virtue he needs to feed Your sheep; and protect him from his enemies and confound and scatter them.

2013-02-24T19:10:00.001-05:00

Just performed another long-overdue update to my sidebar. I decided to drop the Latinity, since in fact my Latin is not good enough for such pretension.

I don't know why the archive list changed.

2013-02-23T15:42:00.001-05:00

Just because (a) we're losing a great Pope and (b) the current times have a whiff about them of Rome of the 2nd century B.C., or perhaps the Weimar Republic, it doesn't mean we can't engage in a little buffoonery:

The Ballad of Donovan's Brain

I've got Mister Donovan's brain, ha ha!
I've got Mister Donovan's brain:
It will keep nicely, stored
In this potion I've poured;
And I don't care a rap for the Medical Board.
I will study, record, puzzle out and explain
All the workings of Donovan's brain, oh yes -
Of Donovan's singular brain.

        I feel rather odd in my brain, I do -
        I feel rather odd in my brain:
        I'm not sure where I'm at,
        But it seems like a vat,
        And I sense there's a doctor who's wanting to chat,
        And I'm pretty sure that he will take every pain
        To be very good friends with my brain, indeed -
        He'll get very close to my brain.

What is it with Donovan's Brain, I ask -
What is it with Donovan's Brain?
I fear that he'll stifle
My ego; my life will
Be his to control to the tiniest trifle;
My poor little wife will think I've gone insane,
When I'm under the sway of his brain, oh dear -
Of Donovan's masterful brain.

        It's great to be Donovan's Brain, it is -
        It's great to be Donovan's Brain!
        The good Doctor and me
        Will go out on a spree
        (Though I'll have to enjoy it vicariously),
        And I think you'll agree that it's perfectly plain
        That it's grand to be Donovan's Brain, hurrah!
        To be Donovan's wonderful Brain!

Oh, how I hate Donovan's Brain, I cry -
That horrible Donovan's Brain!
I must bow to his will,
I must march to his drill,
Now this kooky experiment's lost all its thrill -
So I'll battle until I am free from the rein
Of tyrannical Donovan's Brain - en garde!
I challenge you, Donovan's Brain!

        The Doctor's resisting my brain, he is -
        The Doctor's at war with my brain.
        If he's after a fight,
        He will find that despite
        All his efforts, he's bound to my cerebral might.
        For his pitiful plight I have only disdain,
        He can't stand up to Donovan's Brain, oh no -
        He's no match for Donovan's Brain!

To Hell with you, Donovan's Brain! It's down
To Hell with you, Donovan's Brain!
I've unraveled your tricks
And got out of my fix,
And to all of your boasting and threats I say nix!
Your special elixir has gone down the drain,
So it's farewell to Donovan's Brain, it is -
It's farewell to Donovan's Brain!

        It's the finish for Donovan's Brain, alas,
        The finish of Donovan's Brain.
        It's a terrible toss,
        But the Doc is the boss -
        Success brings you brickbats as well as applause -
        And I guess that my loss is humanity's gain,
        So it's farewell from Donovan's Brain, it is -
        It's farewell from Donovan's Brain.

2013-02-18T15:19:00.001-05:00

Some things are the same as they were 240 years ago...

2013-02-16T19:10:00.001-05:00

I have pretty much retired from satire, save for a limerick here and there in a comment thread, but others have not; please see:

Red Cardigan's excellent parody at And Sometimes Tea,

and

A hilarious sendup of clueless reporting by Devin Rose at St. Joseph's Vanguard.

2013-02-11T15:10:00.001-05:00

So, Pope Benedict is abdicating.

1. Pray.
2. Trust the Holy Spirit.
3. And relax.

2013-02-02T22:02:00.000-05:00

Mrs. Darwin has posted another 100 book meme. I have at some point in my life read 39 of them; I could probably pass a pop quiz on 21.

The ones I could pass a quiz on:

A Tale of Two Cities
Alice in Wonderland
And Then There Were None
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory
Dracula
Dune
Frankenstein
Green Eggs and Ham
Hamlet
Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone
Little House on the Prairie
Pride and Prejudice
Romeo and Juliet
Sense and Sensibility
The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes
The Fellowship of the Ring
The Hobbit
The Lion, The Witch, and the Wardrobe
The Odyssey
The Picture of Dorian Grey
Watchmen

The others I have read:

1984
A Wrinkle in Time
Anne of Green Gables
Brave New World
Crime and Punishment
Fahrenheit 451
Jane Eyre
Lord of the Flies
Of Mice and Men
Rebecca
The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn
The Brothers Karamazov
The Catcher in the Rye
The Count of Monte Cristo
The Good Earth
The Great Gatsby
The Little Prince
The Princess Bride
The Stranger

The remainder, which I have not read, and probably never will:

A Game of Thrones
A Prayer for Owen Meany
American Gods
Anna Karenina
Beloved
Catch-22
East of Eden
Ender's Game
Fight Club
Gone With The Wind
Interpreter of Maladies
Interview with the Vampire
Invisible Man
Les Miserables
Life of Pi
Like Water for Chocolate
Little Women
Lolita
Lonesome Dove
Memoirs of a Geisha
Middlesex
My Sister's Keeper
One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest
One Hundred Years of Solitude
Outlander
Slaughterhouse Five
The Bell Jar
The Book Thief
The Brief Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao
The Color Purple
The DaVinci Code
The Fountainhead
The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo
The Giver
The Golden Compass
The Handmaid's Tale
The Help
The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
The House of the Spirits
The Hunger Games
The Joy Luck Club
The Kite Runner
The Master and Margarita
The Notebook
The Pillars of the Earth
The Poisonwood Bible
The Road
The Secret Garden
The Stand
The Sun Also Rises
The Time Traveler's Wife
The Unbearable Lightness of Being
The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle
Their Eyes Were Watching God
To Kill a Mockingbird
Twilight
Ulysses
Water for Elephants
Where the Sidewalk Ends
Wuthering Heights

[Edited to add The Fellowship of the Ring, inadvertently omitted from the initial posting of the list.]

2013-01-31T06:46:00.000-05:00

Longfellow, as promised, after which I retire - this is becoming dangerously addictive.

"You shall hear how Pau-Puk-Keewis,
How the handsome Yenadizze
Danced at Hiawatha's wedding."
- Henry Wadsworth Longfellow, "Song of Hiawatha", canto XI

This was after they had practiced
Ancient rituals, established
In the age of myth and legend,
Long before their fathers' fathers
Brought the tribe to Gitche Gumee;
Long before the tribe had settled
On the shores of Gitche Gumee
By the shining Big-Sea-Water.

First the best man rose and chanted
Words of glad congratulation
To the smiling Hiawatha
And the blushing Laughing Water.
Then the whole assembly gathered.
Raised as one their glasses, brimming
With the merry wine a-sparkle,
And in honor of the couple
Drained them to the very bottom.

Then the lovely Laughing Water,
Taking up her bridal nosegay,
Made of hollyhocks and daisies,
Violets and black-eyed Susans,
Tossed it to the waiting maidens.
Bright-eyed virgins, eager, jostling,
Vied to catch the flying nosegay.

Then arose a raucous cheering,
As the noble Hiawatha
Knelt and raised the lower portion
Of fair Laughing Water's garment
And removed the silken garter,
Stood and threw it to his groomsmen.
One leapt out before the others,
Seized the ornament in triumph,
And the shapely thigh encircled
Of the maiden with the nosegay.

Then the wedding cake in glory,
Borne upon the brawny shoulders
Of a dozen mighty warriors,
Set before the whole assembly,
Caused the wedding guests to marvel,
Caused the waiting mouths to water.
Seven layers tall it stood there
Cased in shining spotless frosting
Whiter still than any swansdown;
And each layer was encrusted
With rococo decoration:
Seashells, scrollwork, swags and flowers,
In more colors than the rainbow -
An astonishing confection!

Stepping forth, the major-domo
Sliced the cake, as was his duty,
With his knife of shining copper,
Handle wrought of polished elkhorn,
Brought to noble Hiawatha
And to lovely Laughing Water,
Each a portion; then the couple
Followed the time-honored fashion,
Showed their mutual affection,
Mashed it in each other's faces.

Now at last the shaman summoned
Forth the chieftain Pau-Puk-Keewis,
Urged him to begin the dancing,
To arise and lead the dancing,
Dancing by the whole assembly
Of the sacred Hoki-Poki.

Now the handsome Yenadizze,
In accordance with the pattern,
Laid down in the days of legend,
Rose and inward put his right hand,
Put it outward, put it inward,
Shook it all about with vigor,
Raised his hands to point to Heaven,
Flourished them in awful gesture
Of the sacred Hoki-Poki;
Lastly, turning in a circle,
He completed the first figure,
Followed by the whole assembly.

Thus the chieftain Pau-Puk-Keewis
Gravely led them in the dancing
Of the sacred Hoki-Poki.

Now the dance grows ever faster!
Left hand follows hard the right hand,
Left foot follows hard the right foot,
And upon the dancers' raiment,
Eagle feathers, deerskin fringes
Toss about as do the branches
Of the birch trees in the forest
When the east wind blows in autumn.

Now the dance grows ever faster!
Head and backside, each in order,
Each receives its due attention.
Feet in moccasins of buckskin
Strike in unison the dance-floor,
Strike it with a noise like thunder.

And the voice of Pau-Puk-Keewis
Loudly, clearly, sets the measure,
As he leads the sacred dancing.
Ever onward, Pau-Puk-Keewis!
Never tiring, never failing!
As the spirits had commanded
In the misty days of legend,
Long before the tribe had settled
On the shores of Gitche Gumee
By the shining Big-Sea-Water.

Now there comes the final figure!
Now the dancers, spirit-guided,
Lost in rhythmic exaltation,
Fling their bodies with abandon
Inwards, outwards; then they send them
Spinning like the mighty whirlwind!
Thus the dancing is concluded.

Thus they danced the Hoki-Poki,
Danced the sacred Hoki-Poki
On the shores of Gitche Gumee
By the shining Big-Sea-Water
As the spirits had commanded
In the age of myth and legend.

2013-01-30T19:00:00.000-05:00

Did you know that reading my blog makes you awesome by association?

It's true!

Longfellow's hokey-pokey is postponed until the golden fog of vanity dissipates.

(P.S., go and vote. (You have to cast a vote in every category, so be prepared to do some research.))

2013-01-27T12:35:00.000-05:00

And now, Omar Khayyam (strictly speaking, the FitzGerald translation; my extremely short list of scholarly accomplishments does not extend to Persian):

Carousing having palled on me, I turned
To abstruse Sciences, whereby I learned
That I should wander far across the Globe
Ere I would find the Peace for which I yearned.

In ancient Kaikobad I chanced to meet
A Wedding party passing down the Street;
They bade me join them, vowing they would show
To me that which would make my Quest complete.

I did this Opportunity embrace,
And in the dancing Circle took my Place,
And let the Spell of Hautboy, Shawm, and Drum
Possess my Body with its rhythmic Grace.

In turn, I inward put and outward took
Each Hand and Foot, which afterwards I shook;
I Hokey-pokeyed, turned about and found
A Wisdom never writ in any Book.

For sudden Revelation, with a Clout
Upside my Head, put Ignorance to Rout;
And Understanding sweetly Pierced my Soul:
Aye, verily, That's what It's all about.

2013-01-25T01:54:00.001-05:00

As an Ape, it is my natural lot to imitate my betters; so, I follow Tom at dark speech upon the harp in hokey-pokeying in the style of various poets.

Starting off with Edgar Lee Masters:

Bildad Hoke

From my youth I was a devotee of Terpsichore
And created new dances in Her honor
And danced them in the square.
But the Philistines of Spoon River
Would tell me I was crazy
And go off to Burchard's grog shop.
So I went to Chicago
And studied Dance and Music and Poetry
And created a dance more marvelous than any before
And in pride and vanity named it after myself.
The summer I came home
I went to the wedding of Fletcher and Ollie McGee
And afterwards at the reception
I gave a copy of the score to Fiddler Jack
And a dollar to play it.
The melody started
And I went out on the dance floor.
I stuck my right hand in,
And out, and in,
And I shook it all about,
And I did my marvelous Hoke-y-Pokey and turned myself about -
But Thomas Rhodes was lost in thoughts of gain,
And Frank Drummer was reading Volume IX (Ent-Fra) of the Encyclopedia Britannica,
And Minerva Jones was scribbling an epithalamion on the back of an envelope,
And Lydia Puckett and Lucius Atherton were eying one another,
And Knowlt Hoheimer was eying them,
And Deacon Taylor was drunk,
And Anne Rutledge had buttonholed A. D. Blood
And was bragging about how Abraham Lincoln had been her boyfriend,
And Enoch Dunlap had gone to the men's room -
And nobody noticed me at all.
I opened my mouth to cry out,
"But that is what it's all about!"
And fell down senseless.

Upcoming: Omar Khayyam and Henry Wadsworth Longfellow.

2013-01-19T13:13:00.000-05:00

Many cats have lived with us over the years. Some have been smarter than average. And some haven't.

Cat without a clue,
Don't know what to do,
Night and day, your wit's astray -
Cat without a clue.

Tell me why you're sitting there,
Eyes wide open in a vacant stare,
Haven't got an idea anywhere -
Cat without a clue.

Cat without a clue,
Don't know what to do,
Paws tucked under, sit and wonder -
Cat without a clue.

I don't want to be unkind,
But not thinking puts you in a bind,
Did the pixies steal away your mind -
Cat without a clue.

Cat without a clue,
Don't know what to do,
Wash your face, your head's in space -
Cat without a clue.

Come and curl up in my lap,
Doesn't take a brain to take a nap,
You'd look silly in a thinking cap -
Cat without a clue.

Cat without a clue,
Say, how do you do,
Mew and purr, your brain's a blur -
Cat without a clue.

2013-01-06T17:48:00.000-05:00

Rejoinder to ThomasD, the erstwhile dylan, of dark speech upon the harp:

My own autobiographical double-dactyl:

Bob the Ape recklessly
Spiked his Pierian
With some brown acid and
Drank the whole thing.

Since then his verse has been
Furiosissimus -
Take hime to Bedlam and
Make him the king!

And a very silly limerick:

An ambitious young man from Saskatchewan
One day put a pair of eyepatches on -
As he stumbled about,
He gave vent to a shout:
"I'll be famous if ever this catches on!"

2013-01-05T14:31:00.001-05:00

Some literary limericks:

If Dorothy L. Sayers had been really lazy:

Lord Peter and Bunter, while hot
On the trail of a criminal, got
Introduced to Miss Vane,
Who, though sometimes a pain
In the end to the altar was brought.

If Herman Melville had been really lazy:

Ahab's leg got chewed up by a whale,
So with Ishmael on board he set sail.
The voyage took ages,
And hundreds of pages;
At the end, the whale sneered, "Epic fail."

If Dostoevsky had been really really lazy:

Who left poor old Fyodor dead?
Was it Ivan, with brains in his head?
Alyosha the good?
Or Dmitri the hood?
No - 'twas Smerdyakov, base and ill-bred.

If Tolstoy had been really really really lazy:

Prince Andrei was terribly bored,
Natasha was spoiled and froward,
Pierre was a puzzler,
Young Rostov a hustler,
And Bonaparte matched with his horde.

And a poisontea:

He poisoned her milk of magnesia, but
He found it was labor in vain -
The doctor had cured what was wrong with her gut,
And she poured the whole thing down the drain.

2012-12-31T23:24:00.001-05:00

"Favorite Christmas Movie – 'Die Hard'"
- LarryD, Acts of the Apocalypse

"It just doesn’t feel like the Christmas season to me until Nakatomi Plaza blows up."
- Commentor Eegahinc, from The B-Movie Catechism.

Deck the halls of Nakatomi -
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
Quaff the champagne, iced and foamy -
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
Welcome John McClane, a stranger -
Fa la la, la la la, la la la.
Peace on Earth, no fear or danger -
Fa la la la la, la la la la.

Yuletide cheer now meets disaster -
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
Enter Hans, the criminal master -
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
Hans turns out to be a mean one -
Fa la la, la la la, la la la.
Uh-oh, John has a machine gun -
Ho ho ho ho ho, ho ho ho ho.

Battle blazes up from kindling -
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
Hans's band is quickly dwindling -
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
Helpless, law and order's forces -
Fa la la, la la la, la la la.
Root for John's stars in their courses -
Fa la la la la, la la la la.

Hans has one card left for playing -
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
John averts a dreadful slaying -
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
Night explodes in shock and wonder -
Ticky tock, ticky tock, tick, KA-BOOM!
Pyrotechnics flash and thunder -
Fa la la la la, la la la la.

All is over but the mopping -
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
Wave farewell as Hans is dropping -
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
Joy returns to hearts affrighted -
Fa la la, la la la, la la la.
John and Holly reunited -
Fa la la la la, la la la la.

- me.

2012-12-30T08:45:00.001-05:00

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

2012-08-30T06:19:00.002-04:00

Here just long enough to say that for a number of reasons, not all of them discreditable, I am staying off the Internet for a time. Also, prayers for a special intention would be greatly appreciated. God bless you.

2012-06-17T09:07:00.001-04:00

I have to qualify the previous post: Mankind may not be doomed, but Western civilization is.

2012-06-04T07:41:00.000-04:00

Mankind is not doomed, not while we have such resourcefulness and ingenuity.

(Hat tip to Tim Blair.

2012-06-03T16:37:00.001-04:00

Took me a minute to get it, but then it was funny:

2012-04-29T09:45:00.000-04:00

An epigram upon an imagined incident:

Today I had to beg my poor wife's pardon:
I took my brand-new mower for a spin,
And found it was a trifle over-powered.

It ran off-course into her blossomy garden,
And wrought much havoc with the blooms therein -
Alas, another virgin Spring deflowered.

2012-04-26T22:41:00.000-04:00

It was eleven years ago that I
Began to hear of blogging.

It took some time for me to bring myself
To even come near to blogging.

I did not want to start, then find that I
Produced inferior blogging.

And yet today I realize that I’ve
Completed eight years of blogging.

I dare to hope that, with my silly verses,
I’ve caused some cheer by blogging.

It’s been such fun that I shall carry on
And persevere at blogging.

And so, Deo volente, eight years hence
I’ll still be here and blogging.

It's after 10:30 at night - I seem to have cut it close this year. Oh - and it's also my 56th birthday.

2012-02-26T20:26:00.000-05:00

Pen to paper, scribbling, scribbling,
Setting rhyme to link with rhyme.
Midnight oil burning, burning,
Prodigal of ink and time.

Muse compels me, singing, singing,
Bound to labor as she wishes.
All my service bringing, bringing
Little fame and less of riches.

She comes to me, calling, calling,
For she knows I will not shirk,
Pride and honor glowing, glowing,
Colleague in her handiwork.